Monday, April 22, 2013

I'm good at hiding truth.

Especially when it involve my life.

I just returned home from UNITEN's workshop that I mentioned at the last post. The purpose of the workshop is to show that you are capable of bringing yourself to crowds and worthy to be sponsored for scholarship.

Which I failed to do.

At first I thought I could fit in the crowds and become one of the best applicant among 224 students. Hey, we are all in the same age. We do have the same attitude level, am I right?


That brings another matter; confidence. Before the programme started my level of confidence were great, above my head. Right after I join the others I could feel that the confidence level decreases gradually.

And on the last day, a thing called confidence doesn't exist at all in me.

When my parents picked me up, they asked me with a smile: "How's the workshop? Are you having fun?"

And you know exactly what I answered.

"Yeah, I had a great time."
"Do you try your best among others?"
"Yup, absolutely."
"That's our daughter :)"
"Thanks mama, ayah :)"

Thousands of sharp blades of guilt pierced through my heart. I know, telling lies doesn't make things will turn out to be good as I imagined, but all I can do is to make sure that they believed in me. Support me. Keep loving me. And to show that I had tried my best in front of them. But yet, I show nothing.

Why do I have to be like this? I know that no one will be able to change it other that myself. Come on, I'm already 18 but why I still thinking as 10-years-old-kid who knows only to have fun and doesn't care about the world? I don't know how to talk in front of strangers. I failed to show how great I am. All I can do is to stand and make fun of myself. And nag on how I hate society without making any effort to change for a better person.

I'm a total idiot. No one is more stupid that  me. I'm sure of it. These 5As in UPSR, 8As in PMR and SPM of mine means nothing other that just figures that suppose to bring me happiness.

I hate myself.

 End of post.

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